Justice In Life?

When I am alone in these wee hours of the day, there are so many things that kept running in my head. Memories of yesteryears kept hunting me and I kept asking myself ‘where have I gone wrong with my life’. Less than 2 weeks from now, my blessed day will once again be approaching. I thank God for giving me another year of life in this wonderful world. Looks like I’m counting the chicks before the eggs hatched. For all one knows, though it is just a few more days to come, anything and everything can happen within those days. So I am crossing my fingers that I will be able to actually reach the date.

As I ponder over what had happened over the years, I am starting to appreciate those words once said by some learned scholars that there is no such thing as Justice in this world. It is just an illusion, a myth and a fairy tale. But the question is, is it me alone or are there others out there in the world that is facing the very same situation that I’ve been through?

Justice sounds like a good idea because it sort of equalizes the pain. I get hurt, so you get hurt in return.But is it worth it?  Hermmm….it just sounds good but in actual fact, look around us, there are more ocean than land, more roaches than roach motels, and more salesmen than prophets. Things just aren't meant to be equal. Suffering and happiness are not weighted in any kind of weighting machine; their relative proportion is completely unpredictable.

But then thinking back, I think justice in life is not that important to me now. I have so far lived life without justice in my life and I'm forced to be contended with it. Contended with all that went through in my life, good and bad, happy and sorrow. All these have made my life complete and thus memories are made.

After going through life all these years, I think I've discovered the secret of life - I'll just hang around and be contended with come-what-may or until my Creator calls me home………


Sincerely yours with love always,

KADAZAN SONG

A 1960's Kadazan song entitled ONDOMO ZOU NO sung by a local singer MOINIS SIMIN. A very nice sentimental song which I doubt any youngsters in this generation will appreciate it.
Though not knowing what it meant, I love this song since the 60's when it was aired in the radio repeatedly . Those years it was a hit song and can be heard being sung by almost all the Kadazan folks of all generation at that point of time. For years I sang this song without knowing the meaning until I was working and was able to understand a bit of the language. From then on it became one of my favourite songs because of the meaning of the lyrics and sentimental rhythm.
'Ondomo Zou No' means  'Please Remember Me'. I'm not a good translator but I did my best and do pardon me if my translations were wrong.

Nokuo tu nakabahik o kahangadan ku diau..au zou kalati... au zou kotoimo..ahalap do nipi nopo daa iti..au daa otopot..sabap moninduo nopo do ginavo ...om aiso i koikoto...ahalap do oposik zou do suvab doid nipi nopo daa sabap au zou kaanu do papalati diau om kosinduo nogi do tuhun suvai...oi minamangun sumambayang zou ompuno zou no om tuhungo zou do au zou daa kosinduo di tuhun di guminavo dogo.. au ku pinokianu...kahangadan minikot sondii..miad zou mokiampun..do minamangun...poinsoduo nodaa ngavi o ponginaman, kalaatan,  koimbazatan om potunudo no o lahan ku do au zou daa humasa...KOTOHUADAN

ONDOMO ZOU NO
Himo toun zou do minandad diau
Nababasan zou do huminansan diau
Taman toh noh topot ginavo nu
Taman toh noh piiot ginavo nu

Onu podi oh indadon dito
Onu podi oh hansanan dito
Noiikot noh ponononsu ku
Minomiubat nopoh do tiimpu ku

* Au koi nangku osianan dogo
   Id poginavaan nu di poguhu poh
   Ihad zou poh ngah au di ogingo
   Potohibo noh ngavi id nakatahib

Pamanau noh, adaa di pogkovihi
Dilahan diti noh busanan nu
Ondomon zou noh id nomboh ko nopoh
Tuhukon noh onu id kanangan nu
(Repeat *)

(Translation)
Five years I've waited for you   2
Till I gave up missing you
I thought your heart was true
I thought your heart was strong

What else are we waiting for
What else are we wishing for
How I regretted
Wasted my time only

* Have you ever had pity on me
   The person you once loved long time ago
   I wish to cry but it is useless
   Let bygone be bygone

Walk away and don't look back
To the path that you so wish
Remember me where ever you are
Go for what you have wished for

Sincerely yours with love always,

MEMORIES

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. I think it happens to everyone as they grow up.

We don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own and when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything… affects everything. However there is always something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. The scars have the power to remind us that the past is real. Though physical memorable such as photos, gifts etc. can be misplaced or thrown away but the memories of all that happened will always remind no matter what.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. Through those memories, we will find out who we are and what we want, and then we realize that people we’ve known forever don’t see things the way we do. So we keep the wonderful memories but find ourselves moving on. It’s perfectly normal.

All our life we have been put through so much emotional pain and we’ve let ourselves just sit and drown in it. No one’s going to look at us and tell us they love us when that’s exactly what you want, life doesn’t work like that. We need to love ourselves. We are what we are.

Sincerely yours with love always,

DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED

In life, we all need to understand that it is important not to take anything for granted : your friends, loved ones, family, studies, job, and even your own life.
Human beings have a curious capacity to take things for granted. The most exquisite diamond loses its lustre with familiarity. The most compatible intimate becomes boring as time goes by. Even God’s beautiful miracles like the daily sunrise and sunset fail to astonish most human beings because they have become a routine! Repetition and time - dull our sense of wonder and thus we all took everything for granted. When a thing becomes familiar to us, the mystery we have projected onto it is lost. We see it without the overlay of our imaginings. For instance, how many of us really notice each breath we breath in or we just took for granted we are still breathing and kicking?
I know, we can't live our life taking note of every single thing everyday though, but every now and again, we need to examine this wonderful world, those around us, those who love us and we should reciprocate their love or deeds no matter how small or big it might be. We don’t need to buy flowers, presents or any monetary valued things to appreciate them. Just words of appreciation or a smile, which are of no monetary value, is sufficient to tell them that you care and appreciate them. Money can’t buy happiness – so they say. You all might disagree with me on this but it is also said that "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" << Matthew16:26 >>Personally I must admit that I am neither perfect nor excused for taking things for granted in my life. I have been a culprit of this weakness one too many times. And it is a hard thing to come to terms with, no matter how much I have tried. But being human and human err, we have to continue trying no matter how difficult the task is. We have to keep reminding ourselves each time and appreciate our loved ones – show our love for them, thank them for loving us, find time to be with them in time of happiness and sorrows, value their sacrifices for us. Don’t take things for granted!
Seldom have we appreciate or notice little deeds of love that others have for us and we usually let these little things passed as if nothing happens. A simple un-noticeable love of a mother is when she prepared food on the table or washed your clothing or even swept your room. Now ask ourselves honestly, have any of us, just at least once, ever said “mom, thank you for the wonderful meal” or “mom, thank you for washing my cloths”. Or maybe when a child helps to wash the family car. Have the parents ever said “Thank you son/girl for washing the car”? We only seem to noticed big and glaring deeds around us or those deeds that have great impact on our lives especially monetary deeds – such as when we get gifts, Christmas or birthday presents or maybe ‘ang-pau’. We will be laughing and saying ‘thank you’. How selfish have we been! We took everything for granted.
I wish people will realize that there is no harm in telling someone you care, each and every day, thanking them for even the little un-noticeable love but there is more harm than imaginable in doing the exact opposite. There isn't a time you will regret letting someone know that you appreciate them – no matter who they are to you – but there will always be a time you will regret holding your tongue when all you wanted was to let them know you cared but was too late. But then as the saying goes “The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others, how much they love them while they're alive."

Our life in this wonderful world is so short and life is very fragile. Each and every one of us, somehow or rather, will have to answer the call of our Creator. We don’t know when, how or where that call might be. It’s all a matter of time and it’s all in the hand of our Creator. Only He and He alone knows. "Before someone's tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today. For tomorrow may be too late."


Sincerely yours with love always,

Am I Ready To “Go Home”?

There is something very special about country living and my heart has always remained in a little kampong called Tandui, Membakut even though most of my adult life has been spent in the city of Kota Kinabalu. Kampong Tandui is the birth place of my parents, grandparents and I.

We kept hearing promises that "Every Mothers' Son" would be returned home. Is this another idiom or is it a prophecy.

I spent the last 4 days with my parents, who have returned to their countryside life after living in the city for almost 3 decade and I've found total peace by being there and enjoying the simple things in life. I've heard many of our family histories from my dad and understand what life was like then. They have worked together as a community to survive and they were not fussy on materialistic things as in city life. Like the saying goes. it didn't matter what cloth they wore, so long as it keep them warm and covered.

I have learned and fallen in love with the simplicity of countryside life, the wonderful scenes and most of all, the memories of my childhood while living there with my grandparent. In my life I only came to know my mom's mom as my other grandparents have passed away while my parents are still very young. My father was an orphan, left to fend for himself at a very young age of 10 years old. Thinking of that, I'm glad that my children and I, still have parents and grandparents to guide and to love. As I have always said "Before someone's tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today. For tomorrow may be too late."

After spend sometimes in the countryside recently, I am now seriously thinking of spending the rest of my life in the place where I was born. Back to where I came from in this world. Am I ready to “go home”? There will definitely quite a difference in lifestyles but changes need to start somewhere, somehow or it will never happen.

Sincerely yours with love always,

Monica Sendi Merang

I first met Monica Sendi Merang on the 29^th May 2009 (1.30am), when she came to our rented house at USJ for a “walk through” before her flight back to Sarawak that very same morning. She came down from Ipoh together with my son Hadryan, Moshey, Erfan, Melissa a.k.a Bei, Hollison, Vanessa, Rick and 1 other, whom I can’t recall his name.

You might say that I am exaggerating my memories of her but she sure was quiet like a mouse when I sat there joking with the boys and not a word was heard from her since she stepped into our house till she left. Of all the ladies that came to our house that wee morning, only Bei can be heard laughing and dared to joked with me. Monica and Vanessa were rather quiet, most probably afraid of the host or maybe for some other reasons which are best known to them only. If only I can read people’s mind!

Asked them to cook something for supper as I was so sure that all of them were hungry after the long and tiring journey from Ipoh. One thing for sure, the boys were! Monica was pretty shy and timid when supper time came. She just sat there on the sofa quietly and only went for supper after Hadryan spoke to her with a voice only the mouse can hear. Being a parent, I’m quite observant and that caught me by surprise. From thereon I kept observing and that mere hint of genuine profundity can sometimes happen upon first encounters and I, now of course, do not need to prove myself wrong. Recalling back that memories makes me smile.

Anyway, that was how I first met Monica and my observation or rather my first impression of her. Now it has been almost 3 years (11 days more days) and we have been good friends indeed since. She would SMS me whenever she encountered problems or just simply to say “I miss you dady” or “Gudnite dad”. I find in her a mature intelligent Iban girl with elephant memory (idiom). Quiet as she was the first time I met her, down to earth girl and of course a very pretty girl. Judging from her outfit and way of living, I can’t find many girls in her class today of not being materialistic and she’s one of those few.

These are not an exaggeration of words from me but rather from what I’ve seen, heard, observed and experienced throughout knowing her. Monica, if you should ever stumble upon this blog, may I say to you here “Thank you for being part of my memories”.

Warmest Regards

Anger

On my life journey, I have found many wonderful experiences but as well hard lessons from which my lack of understanding and learning from them, lead me further from my Creator.

I have always heard, “Love yourself so you can love others”, “Let go of the past” “forgive yourself first, then others”, “Be patience, don’t push it”, “Alike attracts, so do good for good to come to you” etc. however the hardest one, was learning to deal with anger. I have to let go of anger to discover how to open more doors into my spirituality.

My sense of justice became an injustice towards me, and how I let it almost destroyed my soul with anger. Comparing myself to others, sometimes I get justice or the thought of what justice should be like and ran into a conquest to make things right. However, I learn in the hard way that what could be the sense of justice for me, is not likely justice for others. Obviously, in an imperfect world it is hard to be perfect and even harder to make others see perfection thru my eyes. What room spirituality has in a negative mind full of thoughts of anger? The answer is NONE.

I let the hours; days; weeks pass thru, and although I tried the task to fill my time with activities in order to forget events and prevent myself to revive the words spoken but the words “forgive and forget” became impossible. In my negative mind, doubt came alone not only question my life but question my spirituality as well. The solution and message was right on my face but anger blind me so good, I could not see it or rationalize with it. It came to my mind, that when we die it’s obvious we do not take memories with us. We take the emotions that certain memories caused us in our paths alone with the emotions we caused to others, as a task of what we came to learn in this lifetime.

Warmest Regards,

Will Tomorrow Be Better Than Today?

When things gone wrong or not to our expectation in our lives, how many times we have heard that “tomorrow will be better than today”? I bet you heard it many times. We heard it from others as a consolation statement and we even repeat it in our heads in an attempt to believe that tomorrow, somehow, will be better than today….but how about if you don’t see that better tomorrow? I said this because most of us, go through life with ideals of what should be perfect. Like a perfect job, perfect marriage, perfect family, and perfect relationships with our friends. When things go wrong with those ideals, we have the choices to either change it, change ourselves, tolerate it or walk away from it. However, most of us ended up tolerating it or put up with it, by compromising and consequently making everyone happy but ourselves.

On the other hand, most of us go through life by building our own little worlds around those perfect ideals, forgetting that if we don’t take care of ourselves from within and work toward to better ourselves as human beings, we will not see tomorrow being better than today. Some of us are just waiting for miracles, forgetting that even miracles need a prayer and intention to manifest. Others go pretending to have a perfect life by putting a show of happiness and abundance for everyone to see it or becoming a walking billboard screaming “I am happy” while their inner truth are rotten from inside.

Should we be slavering our own happiness for others? Some people say that is an act of selfishness. Is that true? Here we have to use our wisdom as there is no right or wrong from it, since it’s a matter of perception.I just came to the choice to change myself to a better me, while walking away from those that refuse to better themselves.

I realized, that to see a better tomorrow, it has to start within me while changing my surroundings. After years of tolerating others, I am walking away leaving them with their own karma, while I will try to recover from all the bad choices I have made. I need to do this today, in order to see a better tomorrow. All I can tell you is that, what ever is wrong in your life today, do what ever it takes to make it to what you want it to be in reality, but by all means do not tolerate or put up with it, because if you do, you will loose your truth self and the opportunity to be happy.

Warmest Regards,

Hoping For A Better Tomorrow

As I look back at all that I have being through the years and believe me, it takes guts to share a part of my life with anyone that might stumble on this blog. The way I look at it, we are all mirrors of each other. Some of you might have live this already, some of you are glad that haven’t live this at all, or perhaps like me… some of you may wonder what is next... I only hope that you understand, despite all the bad things we go through life, we have to keep on living…because not everything is bad, there are moments of joy worth living for...Years of lessons, trials, tears, self-discovery, physical losses and letting go of what no longer worked in our life. Sometimes we have to forgive the events that happen in our lives, as well as forgive ourselves for the feelings and actions we put through those events.I know it’s not over….for there might be more days, months or years of challenges, survivals, triumphs and more to let go of what is not enhancing our soul...but for sure I know, with hope and prayers, that it will be a lot better than the past and that alone, keeps me going......Hoping for a better tomorrow!

Warmest Regards,

In Life, Nothing Lasts Forever

In life, we wish for the best, but hope for the worst. So in the end, we are not oblivious to the outcome. Either way, we should be contented with the way it turned out. Happy if it goes our way and content when it does not. Life is too short for us to be satisfied with our lives; you can always do better, always move on up.

If you can dream it, you can make it a reality. Pain is just a factor of our existence; with it can cause a person to weep; without it, we will never know how much one individual means to us.With life, comes great responsibility. The paths we choose can impact many lives. So treat people how you want to be treated and love as much as possible. In this life, nothing lasts forever. In a split second, a person’s life can be forever changed, either by a mistake or a "I know my way home" kind of anger. Worst a person you cared most may not be around forever.

We are allowed one life and one life only. Life is meant for us to live, not to be constricted by fear. That is why I say “Live life to the fullest in every way possible, because we all die in the end. Live life now so you can look back and be happy.”

Most see life as you are born, you live, and you die. But it is not that simple. Within peace, there is hate. Within love, there is pain. Within happiness, there is suffering. People spend their whole life wondering what life could be, when they could be living life on what it can be. You never can get back the time you have lost; but do not regret lost time, because in the time you pity yourself, you could be out doing something with your life.

Live every day a little bit like it is your last; life is just too short. Life can be a beautiful thing but it too can be so hurting especially when everyone you love and let into your heart, goes and breaks it. Ultimately it is the beholder of the heart that suffer.... so follow your heart and mind, just like the sea water that flows freely with the current.

Warmest Regards,

Gloomy Days Ahead

Lately, my back has deteriorated and the pain sometimes became intolerable. I guess the disc prolapse has worsen for the last MRI Scan I had on my lumbar spine at SMC was way back 24 August 2001... a few days after my birthday. Result showed that L4/L5 disc prolapse. It is a disc degeneration marked by loss of signal, reduced thickness, pronounced annular bulge. Arghhh... I'm lost with all these medical jargon sometimes. I would rather use simple and easy layman words to describe the problem.... the cushion between the backbone disc has reduced.. now isn't that easier to understand?

Well that was 9 years ago and now it must have worsen with all my daily activities all those years. Just my train of thoughts, at times I wonder what will happen in the near future. Will I be able to sustain the pain, when now I can hardly can, at times. Or will the worst nightmare thats been bothering me since been diagnosed having this problem i.e. unable to walk. I hate to use the word paralyze though the meaning is similar.

Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself. The grass is greener on the other side of the street but not mine. At times, I feel so empty when the pain bothers me. The fear and anxiety of being bedridden is just too much to carry.

Many people believe that doctors look out for their patients' best interests above all but ultimately it is the question of whether there's a cure for such sickness. My doctor had personally conveyed to me that there is no cure for the ailment that I am facing now and the only way is to limit the movement. And how can I do that? That, as people say... to buy time only. Ultimately I will still face the problem of immobility but the solace to that is whether the immobility catches up with me or death catches up with me first!

Warmest Regards,

Holding on and Cherishing The Memories Of Yesteryears

I'm in solitary mood these days reminiscing the sweet and fond memories for yesteryears. Memories that make me laugh and cry but giving me the reasons to smile.

It is so nice talking about the past and wishing that it did not last. But as in every book there's always the beginning and there's always an end. As we walk through our life...childhood, school years, working years, relationship, marriage life...we have to face that, there comes a time when we call it a day. Many things have happened during and between those years of our lives which made up the memories.

Hold on to the memories and smile with the good ones. For the bad, take it as a lesson for the future and not repeat the "I know my way home" kind of anger.

We may have forgotten most of the promises made during those yesteryears but not the memories that were made during the times.

So whatever it is, hold on and CHERISH the memories of yesteryears!

Warmest Regards,

Happiness

I'm just like a clown with a face that's being painted intentionally to appear being happy but deep within.... no one knows! For happiness is only felt by the heart of the beholder!

Warmest Regards,

Hesitancy

"The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others, how much they love them while they're alive."

Warmest Regards,

Before It's Too Late

"Before someone's tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today. For tomorrow may be too late."

Warmest Regards,

Fear?

A few days ago, I had a very mild heart problem (or was it a heart attack/stroke, I don't know what medical jargon I should be using) early in the morning at about 3.30am while I was in bed all alone. And lately, I've had this "death" thoughts lingering in my mind and the risk of sounding painfully morbid, I can't shake this feeling that I might die soon. Why do I think this? I know these thoughts aren't from GOD. and I certainly hope it's not true, anyway. I'd love to be around to watch my children succeed in life and be proud of them. And maybe even to curdle and watch my grandchildren grow up.

I've been doing some fairly deep soul-searching to try and get to the bottom of all my worries in life especially that concern my aging parents, children, financial et cetera in my brain. A new one, this "death" thing looming over me, seems to be added to my already burdened brain.

Why do I have this feeling of uncertainty? Is it fear? What am I afraid of? Was it because I saw those sick and some helpless people yesterday when I sent my sister-in-law Winnie to the hospital? I'm still trying to figure that one out but for now, I must continually give myself and my thoughts to GOD and trust that HE has a plan for my life.

Warmest Regards,

Words Are Beautiful

Word is of great power in which I truly believe or rather advocate for it actually. I believe that relationships and day to day interactions with one another are largely affected and influenced by the words we speak. But most importantly, I believe in saying what you mean and only that.
I didn't have a firm grasp on this subject, when I was younger but now I prided myself on being outspoken... about almost everything from life to the current issue that will concern my future generation. Especially so if it concern my present family now. I might become infamous but at times one have to be open with words so as not to make matter worst. For if no words are spoken then things might be too late for redemption. My life had taught me that being keeping quite or giving in was actually a disaster. We have to be brave to speak to protect your own family.

There are times I might have offended and annoyed people when I put my words so critically, sarcastically or offending. However this is more of a tragic as the words I said weren't the same things I was feeling. My heart would want to say and meant to say nice dissent and polite words, but words that came out would say something differently. But I'm sure most people picked up on my heart words mostly, right? Wrong!

But can you blame me totally about being too straight forward? Whether I am right or wrong but I feel at times one need to be as such BUT however it all depends on the environment and to the people that we speak to. There are people that are nice and gentle and to these people soft and friendly words will work. But some that are ruthless, thickheaded and for most arrogant, then these kinds need words of the opposite.

So generally, there's nothing wrong with the words that we speak but rather it is to whom, where and the situation that we are in that is more important.

Warmest Regards,

This Moment

I may never see tomorrow. There's no written guarantee, and things that happened are history. I cannot predict the future. I cannot change the past. I have just the present moment. I must treat it as my last. I must use this moment wisely for it soon will pass away, and be lost forever as part of yesterday.

I must exercise compassion, help the fallen to their feet. Be a friend unto the friendless, make an empty life complete. The unkind things I do today may never be undone, and friendships that I fail to win may never more be won. I may not have another chance on bended knees to pray, and I thank God with a humble heart for giving me this day.

Whatever need to be done, it must be done THIS MOMENT

Warmest Regards,